The New Assistant
by meh.gome
Summary: Lord Voldemort is a business tycoon with a taste for lattes. With the help of Lucius Malfoy, he goes on a quest to find the perfect assistant's assistant: but is there really such a thing? Mass hilarity may ensue.
1. Chapter 1

"Dammit, shut the hell up!"

The Evil Lord Voldemort looked out the window of his office. The fucking birds were chirping so loud he couldn't concentrate on his very important workload. It was only ten in the morning.

His head was throbbing. Too much drinking with his work buddies the night before. Never again, he thought, massaging his smooth, pale head. It had all been a blur. Pieces of it came back to him in little bits as he waved his arms around a bit to get rid of the birds. "I'll scramble your children!" he yelled very loudly as the birds took off and left him in peace. He felt better. Yelling always took the edge off of a wicked headache.

"Ah, peace at last," he smirked, steepling his fingers and surveying the view from his window.

"MORNING SIR!"

Voldemort jumped. He'd spoken too soon about that peace thingy. "What is it now, Lucius," he snapped in a tone that he hoped conveyed his annoyed nature.

"I-I brought you a latte."

"Oh yeah? Where's it from?"

"That little café down the alley."

"Oh good, you know I can't deal with that Starbucks namby-pamby bullshit," he said, taking the latte. Mmm, lattes. One of his major weaknesses. He knew the foam made him bloated, and that he should probably switch to non-fat before he lost his figure, but dammit he just didn't care! The first sip was like heaven… he felt the caffeine rushing through his veins, much in the way he felt the hand of Wormtail and the blood of Harry Potter rushing through him. "Mmm, Harry Potter," he sighed, taking another swig.

"What's that, sir?" asked Lucius.

"Erm… nothing. So! Any luck finding a new assistant for me?" he asked, swiveling to survey the view again. It was something he did often, especially in front of his employees. He liked to think it conveyed that he was the boss, the one in charge. Little did he know, his employees just thought it made him seem like more of a douchebag.

"Well, we couldn't really find anyone who doesn't already work here who supports you. As you know sir, you aren't exactly the man of the hour."

He nodded. "That's okay. I'm okay with that."

Lucius continued. "Sooo, I had to bring in some people who… well, don't agree with your politics, but certainly have impressive resumes."

Voldemort nodded. "Okay, like who?"

"Well, Hermione Granger."

"A mudblood? You hired a MUDBLOOD to be my assistant's assistant?"

Lucius gulped. "Well, we haven't hired her… yet. We'd figured you'd be a little mad about it, so I'm asking you first."

"When did she apply for the job?"

"Well, she didn't actually apply."

Voldemort put on his best what-the-fuck face. "Quit playing with me, Lucius. What are you getting at?"

Lucius smiled his best I'm-so-smart smile that really made him look quite stupid. "WELL, sir, I tricked her into it! How, I shan't say, but let me just tell you that if you hire her to be your assistant's assistant, she has to do it! And she has to do it… FOR FREE!"

"HIRED."


	2. Battle of the Assistants

Lucius left Voldemort's office in an oddly satisfied mood. _I am SO glad he liked my idea,_ he thought, rubbing his hands together as he walked to the magical elevator. He had left Hermione magically bound in the lobby in the presence of the Office Elf, Spanky. Office Elves were much more different than house elves. They were much better-dressed. And also smarter! However, the fact that they were smarter made them a lot harder to deal with.

Who wanted a smart elf? No one, that's who. Unless of course, it was two in the morning and you had a presentation to make at eight about the increase of evil profit margins in the greater area of south Britain. Then the elves, who knew everything about anything, proved extremely helpful.

The doors of the elevator opened, and Lucius found himself face to face with his sister-in-law, Bellatrix Lestrange. She had a smug grin on. "Ah, Lucius. Just the person I was hoping to see. I saw your little mudblood down in the lobby and I must tell you that-"

"Bella!" he exclaimed, interrupting her with gusto. "Did you know that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have FACE cancer?"

"Well, that is RIDICULOUS," she said, putting her hand in front of her face to measure. _This was too good, _thought Lucius. "First of all, Lucius, cancer is a mug-HEY!"

Lucius cracked up as he shoved her hand into her face. Her face shone red with embarrassment. The awful vein in her forehead slightly pulsed.

"You must have gotten that from your dreadful idiot son! Speaking of which, how is my darling nephew?"

"Draco? He's doing well. He just got a job teaching horse riding at the Pureblood Club's exclusive equine center. Tomorrow he's coming for 'Take your daughter to work day'."

"Don't you mean, 'Take your CHILD to work day'?"

Lucius grimaced. "Well, that's the thing. Voldemort specifically said that tomorrow was 'take your DAUGHTER to work day', so I'm afraid Draco will be dressing up as a girl. Honestly," he whispered, leaning in. "I think he's a little excited. Narcissa even helped him pick out a dress last night."

She looked Lucius up and down. "Well, I suppose I'm not all that surprised, given who his parents are. Anyway, I wanted to tell you that-"

"OH LOOK AT THE TIME out of my way!" he said, shoving her out of the elevator and pressing the lobby button.

"Hey, you're going to pay for that!" She yelled, spinning around to face Lucius. The elevator door had already closed.

The lobby door opened, and Lucius stepped out. The receptionist's desk was littered with papers and hi-liter quills. A extremely large snake slithered around on top of the desk, hissing and spitting at anyone who walked by.

"Nagini, you are a **horrible** receptionist," he said quietly as he walked by her desk, making sure he was out of striking distance.

He walked toward the lobby, and right away saw his captive, sitting with Spanky. Hermione looked very bored as Spanky chattered away about the importance of wizard stocks and bonds. And sitting on the other side of Hermione was-

"PERCY WEASLEY?" Lucius spluttered.

The horn-rimmed redhead sat primly with his hands folded in his lap. He wore a smoking jacket and a purple ascot, and had a giant pin on his lapel, which read "HB". He jumped up upon hearing his name, and held out his hand for Lucius to shake. Lucius politely declined. "Yes, at your service, sir."

"And what are you here for?" he asked, as Hermione rolled her eyes. She obviously wanted to say something, and Lucius thanked his lucky stars that he had cast a silencio on the bigmouthed girl before leaving her in the lobby. He had magically glued her to the bench she was sitting on, so she couldn't go anywhere.

Percy gave a very dubious look and proclaimed pompously "I'm here to apply for the job!"

Lucius gasped. "The job? The assistant job? But Weasley…But… What?"

Percy smiled. "Yes, I was invited by a Mrs. Bellatrix Lestrange. Say, Lucius, why don't you work at the ministry anymore? Is it because-"

"Because, Mr. Weasley, not that it's any of your business, but I happen to like the more casual atmosphere here at VoldeCorp. You do know that this is Lord Voldemort's office building, don't you?

"  Percy furrowed his eyebrows. "Well… no, I wasn't aware."

"Doesn't that- bother you? That you'd be working for the Dark Lord?"

He stared blankly at Lucius. "Not really, no. To be honest, old chap, I was getting tired of the stiff ministry atmosphere, myself! I may not seem it, Mr. Malfoy, but I am one wild and crazy guy! I'm hip to the groove. Even ask young Hermione here. I was the epitome of cool back in the heyday of Hogwarts. No doubt about it, I ruled the school. I even have the shiny gold pin to prove it!" he exclaimed, practically shoving his lapel in Lucius' face. Lucius turned a sickly green color and turned away, snapping his finger.  _Damn that Bellatrix,_ he thought, staring up to the high vaulted marble ceiling. _Of course she'd pull a trick like inviting Percy "Professional Butt-kisser" Weasley in to interview._

"Well, I won't stand for it! We already have a professional Butt-kisser here and his name is Lucius Malfoy!"

He turned around again to find Hermione in silent fits of laughter, and Percy looking slightly crestfallen.

"I said that last part out loud!" Lucius exclaimed dumbly. They all shared an awkward moment of silence. After he'd regained his composure, he turned to Percy. "That may be a slight problem, Mr. Weasley. You see, The Dark Lord has already hired Miss Granger over here…" Hermione looked shocked, angry, and flattered all at once. If humanly possible. "So… I'm sorry. You will have to find another job."

"Actually Lucius," came a voice from behind him. Bellatrix, again. Could this day get any worse? "I'm sure the Dark Lord wouldn't mind Wormtail having two assistants."

"WORMTAIL?" shouted Hermione angrily. Lucius and Bella turned toward her. She looked sheepish. "Oh! That's right, you tried put a silence spell on me. I-I'll shut up now," she said embarrassedly.

"Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," Bella said pointedly, glaring at Hermione. "You know that The Dark Lord likes nothing more than a friendly competition between two of his employees! Even if it _does_ end in bloodshed."

"Yes, but what does it all MEAN?" asked Lucius importantly.

Hermione sighed. "You're joking, right? Obviously what Mrs. Lestrange is implying is that Percy and I are going to have to fight for the death for this job! Now, if I had my 'druthers, Percy would have his stupid job and I wouldn't even have to be here, by the way, Mr. Malfoy that was a very horrible thing you did to me, tricking me into the building!"

"Ooh, what did you do, Lucius?" Bella asked sadistically.

"Well, you know how when you want to catch a rabbit you leave a trail of carrots up to the trap? Well, I just left a trail of very large and boring books leading to the front entrance of the building. And look! I caught a Granger!" Hermione scowled and looked away, obviously ashamed by her book-collecting vice.

Percy, taking advantage of the silence, struck up. "Well, if Hermione here is up to it, I would love to be her colleague! Of course, I'm a little more learned than she is, so of course I will certainly take the position of the alpha-male here."

"Oh is that so?" Hermione screeched angrily, standing up. Lucius chastised himself for shoddy spellwork. "Well, then, Mr. Fabio McManly, we'll just see how good you are at being a secretary when you're up against me! I was basically the secretary for Harry and Ron for a good seven years of my life!"

"Well, bully for you, Hermione! Say hello to the Junior Assistant to the Minister of Friggin' Magic!"

"Oh, don't you mean EX Junior Assistant? Cut the bullshit, Weasley, we all know why you were FIRED!"

"I was not FIRED!"

Lucius raised his hand. "I don't know why he was fired! _Tell me_!"

"Well, Malfoy," Hermione began, still glaring at Percy in her know-it-all fashion. "Apparently he was caught in Rufus Scrimegeour's dressing room, sniffing his trousers!"

"Eww gross!" said Lucius. Bella looked disgusted. Spanky the elf just shrugged.

"That is not true!" said Percy in an offended fashion, with a face that obviously showed that it actually was true.

"Well, true or not, it certainly sounds like you two will be fair competition for each other," Bella said, barely containing her excitement. Why don't we all go upstairs and have a chat with The Dark Lord. I'm sure he's eager to hear from the both of you!"

The two new assistants stood, giving each other childish glares and pulling faces, walking toward the elevators. Lucius and Bella dropped behind, to discuss.

"Ten galleons on Hermione," said Lucius.

"No argument there," said Bella, shaking his hand.


End file.
